Every Time We Say Goodbye
by MacKenzie Rabb
Summary: Post- "Goodbyes" Harm has just left, and Mac's more than a little upset about it.


Title: Every Time We Say Goodbye   
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com   
Rating: PG   
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, or any of the characters within.   
Summary: Post- "Goodbyes" Harm's just left JAG, and Mac's a little   
more than upset about it.  
Author's Notes: I thought that picking up with Mac's thoughts right   
after those elevator doors closed would be a good idea. I think she   
was as unhappy about that as I was! :)  
  
********************  
How could he do this to me? Major Sarah MacKenzie thought. He just   
walked right into that elevator and right out of my life. Maybe for good.   
  
I was standing there in front of him crying my eyes out, my heart on my   
sleeve, and what did he do?   
  
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.   
  
He said that when I left JAG it was because I was in love. When I asked,   
"Aren't you?" he just looked away and said, "What does love have to do   
with anything?"   
  
I wonder if I looked as disappointed as I felt, as I still feel, she sighed.   
I guess I was stupid to think I'd get anything out of him. Even if he did   
love me, he still loves flying more. And he always will.   
  
No matter who is in his life, they'll always come second to his stupid   
Tomcats. You'd have to be some kind of woman to put up with that.   
It apparently did poor Jordan in. I know she's in love with him, but I'm   
willing to bet she's not in nearly as much pain as I am right now.   
  
So now I'm just supposed to get along without him? What we had was   
nothing more than a professional relationship? He makes me so mad,   
so frustrated. I didn't know whether to keep hugging him, or beat the   
crap out of him.   
  
I wish I could say this isn't happening, but denial is the last thing I need   
right now. He's not going to be here when I come in tomorrow morning,   
and that's that.   
  
But if that's that, why do I feel like bawling?   
  
Walking back to her office, she saw nothing and heard nothing.   
  
It wasn't until she was behind her desk and there was a knock on   
the door, that she snapped back to reality.   
  
Brumby stuck his head in the door. "Major?"   
  
"What is it, Commander?" she asked, sounding more than a little   
irritated. As usual, he wouldn't notice anything like that.   
  
"How about dinner tonight, Major?"   
  
"No."   
  
"But- "   
  
"Commander," she cut him off, "I am up to my eyeballs in paperwork,   
most of which will be having dinner with me tonight. Get the picture?"   
  
"Yes, Ma'am," he said, ducking out and shutting the door.   
  
Mac rolled her eyes. Will that guy ever get a clue? she thought. Harm just   
left, and he thinks I'm going to have dinner with him?   
  
She started on the stack of paperwork, counting down the three hours   
until she could go home.   
  
******  
  
Trudging into her apartment at six that evening, Mac dropped everything   
at the door and collapsed on the couch.   
  
Laying her head back, she closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. She   
reached for the phone on the end table, and dialed Chloe's number. She   
could've called Harriet, but she didn't feel like any adult sympathy right now.   
Besides, Chloe would want to know that Harm really did leave.   
  
After three rings, Chloe's father answered.   
  
"Mr. - I mean, Kyle? This is Sarah MacKenzie."   
  
"Oh, hi, Sarah. Is everything all right?"   
  
"Yeah, I was just wondering if Chloe was around."   
  
"She's right here as a matter of fact."   
  
"Thanks, Kyle," she said just before he handed Chloe the phone.   
  
"Sarah!" Chloe exclaimed.   
  
"Hey, Chloe. How are you doing, sweetie? Do you like your grandparent's   
place?"   
  
"It great! They've got horses and dogs and cats. I haven't been riding   
yet, but we're probably going to tomorrow. I think I'm going to have a   
lot of fun this summer. But I miss you, Sarah."   
  
Mac sighed. "I miss you too, Chloe," she said, on the verge of tears.   
  
"Is something wrong?" Chloe asked.   
  
"Harm left this afternoon," Mac said miserably.   
  
"Oh no, I was hoping he'd change his mind."   
  
"So was I."   
  
"I'm sorry, Sarah. You do love him, don't you?"   
  
Mac tried to hold back the tears. "Yeah, I do. For all the good it's ever   
going to do me."   
  
Chloe laughed a little. "Well, at least you finally told me, and yourself,   
the truth."   
  
Mac smiled. "Silly girl. But I didn't tell him, and here we are."   
  
"Well, when's he coming back?"   
  
"I don't know, Chloe. Could be weeks, could be months, could be   
never. I just don't know."   
  
"He loves you too, Sarah. I know he does. And he'll come back  
eventually. He has to."   
  
"I wish I was as sure about all of this as you are, honey."   
  
"Is that Australian still after you?"   
  
"Brumby? Oh yeah!"   
  
"Do you like him?"   
  
"No, not really. Not like that for sure. Didn't I just tell you I was in   
love with a certain reinstated flyboy?"   
  
Chloe giggled. "I was just making sure."   
  
There was a pause.   
  
"Oh!" Chloe exclaimed.   
  
"What is it?" Mac asked.   
  
"I just thought, if Harm just left this afternoon, has he left for the airport   
yet?"   
  
"I don't know exactly when he's leaving for Pensacola," Mac said slowly,   
absorbing the idea. "But he left so suddenly this afternoon, I would   
assume he's leaving tonight."   
  
"Well, why don't you call him, Einstein?" the little girl demanded.   
  
"He's probably home right now..." Mac sighed. "I can't."   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"Because he loves flying. You haven't seen the look on his face   
when he talks about it, not to mention when he's on an aircraft   
carrier. I guess, if anything, he's just got to get it out of his system.   
Because if I called him, and he stayed, it would be my fault that he   
missed his chance. If I'm ever going to have him, I can't have him   
blame me for that someday. You see what I'm getting at?"   
  
"Yeah, but I'm still really sorry he's leaving."   
  
"Thanks, sweetheart." She looked at her watch. "I better go, Chloe,   
I'm running up the bill. But you call me if you ever need anything, or   
just need another girl to talk to, okay?"   
  
"You know I will. And you do the same."   
  
"What did I just do?" Mac asked.   
  
"Oh right," Chloe laughed. "Thanks for calling, Sarah. I hope you feel   
better soon, everything will be all right."   
  
"I hope so. I love you, sweetie."   
  
"Love you too, Sarah. Bye."   
  
"Bye," Mac said.   
  
She put the phone back in its cradle and sat staring at it.   
  
What if I did call him? she thought. But I can't. I already told Chloe I   
couldn't. What would he think of me? He would think I'm weak.   
  
She threw herself back on the couch.   
  
No he wouldn't. He knows better.   
  
"Geez," she muttered, as she sat up and grabbed the phone.   
  
She dialed Harm's number and listened to his phone ring. Finally, his   
machine picked up. Listening to the familiar message, Mac wished to   
God he'd pick up. She decided at the last second to leave something   
on the machine.   
  
"Harm, it's Mac. I don't know if you'll check your messages while you're   
gone, but I was just seeing if you'd left yet. I miss you already. I just talked   
to Chloe, she's doing well. I guess I better go before the tape runs out.   
Come see me if you get any leave, okay? Bye."   
  
She hung the phone up again.   
  
What she didn't know was that Harm had been sitting there listening to   
her talk to his machine.   
  
He'd been packing when she called, and he had almost picked up the   
phone. But he couldn't. If he talked to her, he might end up staying,  
even if she didn't ask him to. This was something he had to do, and   
he couldn't go back now. Not when he'd just completely talked himself into it.   
  
He played her message over again. The words, "I miss you already"   
particularly stuck out. Harm wanted to pick up the phone and say,   
"I miss you too". It wouldn't have done either of them any good   
though, because he was headed for Pensacola regardless. He   
only hoped he had half a chance left with her when he came back.   
When that was going to be, he didn't know.   
  
Harm snapped his suitcase shut and grabbed his jacket. The faster   
his plane got off the ground, the better. He walked out the door to   
meet his new life head on.   
  
Meanwhile, Sarah MacKenzie flipped on her TV to face another long   
night. She tried to avoid the thought that life could get worse. She   
couldn't take anything else right now.   
  
Everyone in her life was leaving her, and she had to figure out how   
to deal with it. But she'd still be here whenever they wanted to come   
back, because she loved those two more than anything. And that's   
what hurt her the most.   
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  



End file.
